This week is low because I had a big weekend at my mom’s last weekend and that’s just how it always works.  Plus the husband and I have been working through some things that aren’t the easiest to work through.  I’m so thankful he’s the kind of person he is.  We truly have something special.  Situations are a big factor in me feeling crappy this week I think.

I need to make new habits though.  I know for a fact that exercise will help me, also eating healthier.  Those two things I think are major keys for me.

A lot of people think that if they were only skinny, or if they only had this bigger house, if only they had that nice new outfit…then they’d be happy.  That’s not the case really with me.  I do think I’d be happier if I lost some weight because I’d have pride in myself for losing the weight and I’d have more energy.  Nothing else though.

Are you a truly happy person?  What habits do you have..perhaps things that you’ve never even though of.  How are you truly happy?  What are your daily habits?  What are your values?  How do you view life?

I wanna find some key elements to being happy and then work on them one by one, trying to make them a habit for myself.

I do not think I’ll find happiness if I try and become the do-it-all wonder woman that I aspire to be.  I had a counselor that once told me that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be happy if I try and be like that.

All I know is that I have the ability to do BIG things and I just need to figure out how to get out of the dumps!!

PLEASE give me feedback.  You don’t have to give your real name or tell me who you are.

Most of us who struggle with depression are so hard on ourselves.  A lot of us want to achieve perfection, a lot of us put ourselves down all the time for not being perfect.  I’m so guilty of that.

I beat myself up all the time about how I keep my house, it’s such a mess.  No I’m not being picky and cleaning and saying it’s a mess when there’s not many things out of place.  It’s a real FREAKING pigsty.

The reason it’s like that (well it’s not NOW because I’ve figured some things out) is because every time I would clean it I would beat myself up about what I DIDN’T do.  I’d have the whole place pretty much clean and then be mad that I didn’t dust the shelves and that would fester and I would feel defeated, I’d wallow and things would get messy again.

On Friday I made myself a list.  You can read my post about it on The Informal Matriarch or by clicking here .  Every time I completed something on the list I let myself feel really good about what I had done.  I didn’t let myself worry about what else was messy, I just focused on the good feelings of what I DID do.  I relished in the good feelings, I praised myself.  When I was done I sat back and sighed and thought “way to go Leah”.  It felt SO good to just block out the negative and focus solely on the good.

This can be applied to so many areas of life.  We beat ourselves up about what’s not right in our lives, all the mess.  We need to learn to focus on what’s clean in our lives, the great things we do and we need to learn to allow ourselves to feel good about them.

What a good thing.  Allowing ourselves to feel proud of ourselves.  What a good lesson.  Try it today and see how you feel!

The antidepressants I’m on are FABULOUS!  I seriously don’t feel them at all anymore.  I have energy still!!  Wait…I actually HAVE energy…weird.  Two more weeks and they should have fully kicked in.

The only thing I feel is a little less of an appetite but who the heck would complain about that!?

I’m looking forward to seeing what these do for me!!

The first day kinda sucked but now I’m feeling just fine.  I mean there’s a bit of dry mouth and a bit of a gaggy feeling still.  Tiredness is there but I haven’t been getting enough sleep anyway.

The effects are SO minimal compared to last time.

I know that they aren’t supposed to work for about 4 weeks, is it weird that I already feel better?  Perhaps it’s all in my head.  But I think “why am I so focused and making better decisions today?”  then I’m like “hmmm the drugs?”  who knows.

I just feel more like me.  So who knows.

I don’t feel like I should try many new things until we know that this had kicked in.  I have to know if this is actually working.

So now I’m going to research and share my findings.  I want to come up with some ideas of new habits I can start working on to help find my way towards happy.  I just have to find out which ones I need to do.

All in all I’m feeling positive about this drug.  It’s definitely not so bad at all!!

Those are really the only things I’m feeling, oh yes…and dry mouth.

I really cannot believe I’ve come to a place where I’m trying drugs.  I’m the anti antidepressants person.  I’m all for going au naturel.  But, this time, I don’t have it in me to do the “natural” things I need to do, get into good habits, and keep them.

Some things I know that help are:

• walking daily
• eating avocados (for women only, they balance your hormones)
• sublingual vitamin B complex
• eating as natural at possible.

Sounds simple on paper.  Notsomuch in my head though.

The last time I was really happy I was walking 45 mins 5 times a week, I wasn’t drinking milk, I had only one child and I was getting down to a weight that I really liked, I was 139…omg.  I felt full of energy.  Ooooo I was eating oatmeal for breakfast too…something I don’t do anymore.

I miss those days.

Since then we’ve been hit by a storm.  If you follow The Informal Matriarch or have been following for a long time then you know that we’ve been through some hell in the past almost 3 years.  I’ve been beat down pretty stinking good and I just don’t have the get up and go to bring myself back.  Ugh now I have this deep and awful longing to be back in that time of my life again.  Before autism and allergies and asthma and a million other things.

Anyway, Cipralex day two is uuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhh.

I see them as a tool to be able to get into a positive routine, get good habits going and then wean myself off and be able to continue in the good habits.

I know if I just ate like a rabbit, exercised like crazy and got a freaking hobby then I would be fairly happy.  But those things are so hard for me to do.  Everything is so hard.  Everything.

So, tonight I go and fill my perscription.  I think I’ll also apply for a job at Shoppers Drug Mart while I am there.  We need the money, I need to feel like I’m contributing.

Anyway, that’s step one.  I can’t write and encourage people without telling them to see their doc first.  Go see your doctors if you think you need to.

I’ve been to all areas of the world of depression.  Luckily I’m not in the sucidal phase and I don’t cut myself anymore (which is still a choice, I still get the urge to).  I’m in a phase where I’m going through life with just this mundane unhappy feeling.  I rarely feel elated anymore.  I do get to mildly happy though.

The thought of being a 27 year old who’s struggled with depression for 20 years kills me.  I’m too young for that.

So, I’m on a mission.  I want to try anything and everything I can to make this year a year of healing and recovery.  Experts have told me I will always struggle with depression but I know theres LOTS I could be doing to control it.

Please join me, wherever you are in your life.  Happy or sad.  Try what I try, give me feedback, encourage me, be encouraged by me.

Lets begin to heal